Monday, July 27, 2009

Gossip Columnists? I Shit 'Em


I started to write this post with a view to explaining why I haven't recently written anything when, on reading back it resembled something pathetically akin to Amanda Holden's new weekly diary column in Fabulous mag (free with The Screws of the World). I don't exactly know why I read it, in fact I don't even know why I watch a lot of the shite that's on telly nowadays - "Young, Dumb and Living With Mum" being a prime example - but I did. Time wasted that I shall never get back and only worthy of a sigh of despair.
Back to Amanda's column. Christ, this is exactly the type of drivel fit for its target audience, stuffed full of glamourous situations and name dropping. Name dropping is something Amanda does well. But what does she do apart from that? What's her particular talent? Should I be asking Simon Cowell? Should I ask the casting director of that hairdressing sitcom she was in? Or shall I just ask Les Dennis?
"I've just had dinner at the swanky Ivy Club", she writes "David Coulthard...Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley - my new best friend". She goes on to mention having dinner with Cowell, Bleakley and Piers Morgan at Number 10 with Sarah and Gordon. In other entries for her star-packed month of July she goes on to mention Katie Price and Mel B. All of the above in just 3 days.
Wow, wish I had her busy social life.
Good luck to her though, if that's what feeds her soul an' all. Mixing with VIPs is a natural tonic which soothes insecurities of being a nobody and you're nobody if you're not famous or know someone who is - it's what the current media fashionistas would have us all believe according to the content it peddles. And we suck it all in like ravenous Dysons. It gives us something to talk about, something to moan about, someone to praise, someone to slag off and we keep going back to this merry-go-round of puss, revisiting each other's own home made pavement pizzas like a dog going back to its own vomit.
Amanda Holden on autopilot, if you will.
So, here's why I've been away, but with extra added new-improved censured name dropping:
After being privy to a scorching showcase gig by hip young indie up-starts W**** M** K******* last month, I was personally informed that they were to be supporting vintage punk band T** S********* at a prestigeous venue on the I*** O* W****. Of course, I managed to procure tickets on the day of the gig thanks to my contacts and we headed south to P********* to catch the boat. Imagine my utter surprise at nearly bumping into bass player J*** J****** outside the ferry terminal building and that we'd actually be cruising on the same, actual boat!!! On arrival after our trip across T** S*****, we headed for the venue where I mingled with the plebs, er, I mean the valued roadies, while some lackey fetched my tickets. Afterwards, we secured ourselves a hotel room in a prime location in town which had a trendy Morroccan flavour to it (no *silly*...the hotel, not the town).
Of course, the concert was absolutely fab dahlings and we all retired back to the hotel bar for a nightcap or two and guess what? So did most of T** S*********! J*** J****** was quoffing beer with the best of 'em, B** W**** was attempting to chat up anything in a skirt and I congratulated D*** G********* on a marvellous performance. I like D***, he's like some sort of eternal smiley face.
Back on the mainland, I had an appointment with the talented M**** S*** (whose songs have been played all over Radio C*******) and they thrashed out an intimate performance in an exclusive club in W*** L*****. It was nice to catch up with all the boys, as well as T*** B*****, who just happens to be le grande fromage from R*** T** Y** D***. Oh, how we all laughed at what some of the audience were wearing...I mean, how did they even manage to get into the place?!? And then we realised she was the promoter! Cue much more raucous laughter.
And before we knew it, we simply had to go to V******* P*** to cheer on T** P***** (S**** singing sans teeth!) and M****** were simply devine and it seemed everyone who was anyone ended up on the stage for the encore including R**** and J****! Oh my G**, how utterly awesome was that?!?
Before I go, I must thank my dear friend C**** W*** for sending me his fantastic book which he personally signed for little old me. I've only just managed to find the time to start reading it. That A***** character seems a right card, doesn't he?
Anyway, I can't sit around gossiping as I've got to learn a gazillion songs by tomorrow. I'll be having a jam with L*****'s premier punk act T** S********** with the aim of being their next guitarist...
Must dash luvvies,
mwah - mwah.
Ister x

PS - Here's some more of A******* S***** with their song "Top International Celebrities":


16 comments:

Mondo said...

Love the shanks tune and that fab parody from you - could you stretch to one of the Ikea catalogue? The titles are ripe for it..

Ta for your comments on our first poddy - you can grab the second one (theme of Summer) in Piley's or my most recent post, or just pull it here..

Let us know if you've got any idea for future themes...

Dick Headley said...

Fascinating stuff I**. C**** says you're welcome. D***.

KAZ said...

A***** H***** asked me to ask you if you fancy a date.

Joanne Casey said...

Were any of those hidden namedrops, Jordan?

savannah said...

well, since i'm an american, i don't have to know what any of that means, sugar! ;~D xoxoxo

Anonymous said...

Savi. . .you are so lucky. . .lol.

Isti has posters of said woman close to his precious 'Jackson' lol ;-p xx

Momentary Madness said...

Since I'm Irish I haven't a clue, nor the attention span.
I guess that's why I've more or less gone over to facebook; (Twitter's too limited)a few lines, a tune, a shit, and a shave and (Bob's your uncle) away with you;-)

savannah said...

@chazza...somehow, sugar, i sort of knew that sometimes, it pays to be the stupid american. ;~D xoxox (how y'all doin, honey? haven't seen you in ages!)

@momo...comeback to blogging, sugar, please? i forget about facebook! xoxox

Betty said...

Oh gosh, I say, only this morning I was slam dancing to F*** M****** and( G** A) G**** (O* Y*******) by T** S********. The fond memories of cruising down the Thames, bollocks to the Jubilee and all that - they all came flooding back!

I'll never forget the Amanda Holden/Les Dennis/white dress anecdote that was on Holy Moly's site either.

Furtheron said...

brilliant...

Anonymous said...

Savann: ha Angel. . .

Been making the most of our long awaited Summer. . Days and long weekend away. A few Gigs,Isti and the boyz keepin' me busy too. . .lol Also Acquired a new addition to the house hold 'Bobby. . ' a Talking Cockatiel.


P.s Ive gone to the darkside unfortunately. 'Face Book'. Great application access that Helps me keep in touch with Rellies abroad. As I only have limited mobile internet access. Suits me though. . .lol xx Are you on there?

Anonymous said...

Well.....what can be said.

Lazy husband. If she was been given a good seeing to regularly, she wouldnt be having the energy to be living her life through others.

I see another sacking on the cards due.....

MJK

Istvanski said...

PM - Ikea, eh? Howesy and I are lazily working on it.

DH - Cheers, D***. Book's a cracker.

Kaz - Nah. Tell her I'll be too busy shagging S**** C*****.

Joanne - No, but there is always two sides to every story
;-)

Savvy - You really don't want to know, trust me sugar xxx

Chazza - No! That's a poster of Dave Mustaine holding a Jackson. Easy mistake to make, I suppose...

MoMad - Ah, Twitter. Some say it's responsible for the dumbing down of the literary classes. But look how it helped all those Iranians?

...how *did* it help all those Iranians?

Betty - Were you next to M****** when he got arrested after the Jubilee boat trip? Corr, you must've seen some sights that night!

Furtheron - Cheers, but not as brilliant as your H&K amp, I bet?

Col - Basically, this post is a reminder to myself to steer clear of the tabloids.

Piley - That's the thing isn't it? We're victims to cellulite on celluloid. The torture never stops.

MJK - I'll have you know that Les Dennis is the hardest working man in showbiz.

Ken Skinner said...

Congrats on the news!

I got to meet Jordan and Andre a while back. No, not *that* Jordan and Andre... another one.

Lemme know if there are gigs on the horizon. We'll try and lumber over, prop up the bar etc.

Anonymous said...

CENSORSHIP.

SAD DAY IN HELL You said.

Thought you didn't believe, freedom of speach. Read a good comment of yours on some blogg or other, a while back.

You conforming too are you. :-(

Istvanski said...

Ken - Cheers mate, I'll keep you posted.

Anon/Chazza - And why not? As long as there are people like you around there will always be censorship to contend with.
PS - You won't be dossing at mine anymore. You may collect your stuff this weekend and bring the biggest truck you can find. You'll need it.