Gossip Columnists? I Shit 'Em

I started to write this post with a view to explaining why I haven't recently written anything when, on reading back it resembled something pathetically akin to Amanda Holden's new weekly diary column in Fabulous mag (free with The Screws of the World). I don't exactly know why I read it, in fact I don't even know why I watch a lot of the shite that's on telly nowadays - "Young, Dumb and Living With Mum" being a prime example - but I did. Time wasted that I shall never get back and only worthy of a sigh of despair.
Back to Amanda's column. Christ, this is exactly the type of drivel fit for its target audience, stuffed full of glamourous situations and name dropping. Name dropping is something Amanda does well. But what does she do apart from that? What's her particular talent? Should I be asking Simon Cowell? Should I ask the casting director of that hairdressing sitcom she was in? Or shall I just ask Les Dennis?
"I've just had dinner at the swanky Ivy Club", she writes "David Coulthard...Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley - my new best friend". She goes on to mention having dinner with Cowell, Bleakley and Piers Morgan at Number 10 with Sarah and Gordon. In other entries for her star-packed month of July she goes on to mention Katie Price and Mel B. All of the above in just 3 days.
Wow, wish I had her busy social life.
Good luck to her though, if that's what feeds her soul an' all. Mixing with VIPs is a natural tonic which soothes insecurities of being a nobody and you're nobody if you're not famous or know someone who is - it's what the current media fashionistas would have us all believe according to the content it peddles. And we suck it all in like ravenous Dysons. It gives us something to talk about, something to moan about, someone to praise, someone to slag off and we keep going back to this merry-go-round of puss, revisiting each other's own home made pavement pizzas like a dog going back to its own vomit.
Amanda Holden on autopilot, if you will.

So, here's why I've been away, but with extra added new-improved censured name dropping:

After being privy to a scorching showcase gig by hip young indie up-starts W**** M** K******* last month, I was personally informed that they were to be supporting vintage punk band T** S********* at a prestigeous venue on the I*** O* W****. Of course, I managed to procure tickets on the day of the gig thanks to my contacts and we headed south to P********* to catch the boat. Imagine my utter surprise at nearly bumping into bass player J*** J****** outside the ferry terminal building and that we'd actually be cruising on the same, actual boat!!! On arrival after our trip across T** S*****, we headed for the venue where I mingled with the plebs, er, I mean the valued roadies, while some lackey fetched my tickets. Afterwards, we secured ourselves a hotel room in a prime location in town which had a trendy Morroccan flavour to it (no *silly*...the hotel, not the town).
Of course, the concert was absolutely fab dahlings and we all retired back to the hotel bar for a nightcap or two and guess what? So did most of T** S*********! J*** J****** was quoffing beer with the best of 'em, B** W**** was attempting to chat up anything in a skirt and I congratulated D*** G********* on a marvellous performance. I like D***, he's like some sort of eternal smiley face.
Back on the mainland, I had an appointment with the talented M**** S*** (whose songs have been played all over Radio C*******) and they thrashed out an intimate performance in an exclusive club in W*** L*****. It was nice to catch up with all the boys, as well as T*** B*****, who just happens to be le grande fromage from R*** T** Y** D***. Oh, how we all laughed at what some of the audience were wearing...I mean, how did they even manage to get into the place?!? And then we realised she was the promoter! Cue much more raucous laughter.
And before we knew it, we simply had to go to V******* P*** to cheer on T** P***** (S**** singing sans teeth!) and M****** were simply devine and it seemed everyone who was anyone ended up on the stage for the encore including R**** and J****! Oh my G**, how utterly awesome was that?!?
Before I go, I must thank my dear friend C**** W*** for sending me his fantastic book which he personally signed for little old me. I've only just managed to find the time to start reading it. That A***** character seems a right card, doesn't he?
Anyway, I can't sit around gossiping as I've got to learn a gazillion songs by tomorrow. I'll be having a jam with L*****'s premier punk act T** S********** with the aim of being their next guitarist...
Must dash luvvies,
mwah - mwah.
Ister x

PS - Here's some more of A******* S***** with their song "Top International Celebrities":