A Day In The Life

As professional transport operatives, we are often asked what else we do apart from "sit around on our fat arses all day pressing buttons and pulling levers". Unsurprisingly, that's what most of our working day entails, but there are other tasks we have to attend to within our normal course of duties.

Must remember to book on duty at the right time and place.

Catering for either the morning or evening rush hours means an early start or a late finish. Loud, multiple alarm clocks rudely wake us at 3.00am or we arrive home at 3.00am.

Must remember to adjust clocks for daylight saving time.

Getting to the depot on time and in a sober state is a legal requirement. Failure to do so means that should a positive result from the breathaliser or wee wee analysis means that even ASLEF will wave goodbye to you as you walk out the gate for the last time.

Must remember to polish off that last quart of Toilet Duck.

You arrive, you check your equipment, your schedule card, your notices, where your train is and wether you have enough tea in your flask (which is the most important part of a driver's equipment) to last you until your break. Study that schedule card. Is that a ten hour day you're doing? Unlucky, sunshine. Still, could be worse - at least you're in some form of gainful employment.

Must remember to read the situations vacant ads.

Let's get on that train. Hang on, haven't I forgotten something? Ah yes, the guard! Who is it? Why, it's "Aberdeen" Angus. Top bloke, always up for a coffee when the time is right. Get on board, stick the EP key on which energises the gubbins and illuminate the front of the train. Five minutes after the departure time, we've not moved an inch. Control says "no". An earlier train with door problems takes priority over our right of way. More paperwork.

Must remember to make sure my pen hasn't run out of ink.

Finally, we budge and approach a station. Blimey, it's packed to the rafters with passengers that are waiting to board the cattle truck. When it comes to personal space, a cattle truck would be luxurious. There is a law which limits the amount of cows in one compartment that are heading off to the slaughter house, but there is no law limiting the amount of human beings that can be crammed into one coach of a train. Human rights? Yeah, right.

Must remember to feed those tinned sardines to the cats.

Is it time for a break already? Yum!

You can't help doing the "people watching" thing on this job. You get to see allsorts. Suited alpha males in middle management positions that frown at you and tap their wristwatches to indicate the train's five minute late arrival as you crawl into the platform. Cheers, mate - I'm well aware of the time, but it's not my fault. Would sir like to make an official complaint? What do you mean "there's no point"? There's no point tapping your bloody wristwatch at me then, is there? Best look forward to your after office hours drink with your colleagues, get drunk, miss your stop on the last train home and end up sitting in your own puddle of vomit. Your wife's gonna give you some aural GBH when she sees the state of your Hugo Boss suit when - and if - you get home tonight.

Must remember to visit the dry cleaners.

Chavs in scrote coats take pleasure in refusing to buy tickets and happily mouth off to Revenue Protection Officers when asked for proof of ticket purchase. Chav girlfriends accompany them wearing short skirts or wait - is that just a belt she's wearing? I wouldn't let any pregnant sixteen year old daughter of mine leave the house in that state, blah-di-blah...

Must remember to stop at that red light.

"Come on, mate. Wakey, wakey this is the end of the line". Surprise, surprise, it's Hugo Boss suit man who has been incapable of alighting at his stop because yes, you've guessed it, he was too busy sleeping off the effects of his after work drinky-poos with his office buddies. "You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here, end of the line mate". Bless, he's a fully fledged member of the living dead looking like an extra from a George A. Romero zombie flick. We may have to call British Transport Police to man-handle him off the train. They should be here in about an hour.

Must remember to book the overtime.

So there you have it, a typical day at work. Sometimes other exciting things can happen like signal and points failures, traincrew errors, suicides and collisions (the last two not so often thankfully). The romance of rail travel died a loveless death after it ran out of steam, pun intended. It's all about making money nowadays.

Must remember to check my shares.