1. OZZY (& MISSUS) PRESENTING THE BRITS
The former Black Sabbath frontman regresses his television career (is that possible after "The Osbournes"?). I never watched it, it would've been totally bloody pointless listening to a long line of monotone bleeps. Ozzy without swearing is like sponge without custard. I Barked at the Moon and listened to Symptom of the Universe instead.
2. JACK NICHOLSON AT THE OSCARS
Surprise, surprise. It has been announced that the actor formerly known as Wolf will be presenting another statuette for best picture this coming Sunday. Hit the road Jack, I want to see a Mexican wolf boy present an Oscar or two in place of your cheesy smile.
3. IT WAS A FULL MOON YESTERDAY...
...and it played havoc with my internal waters. The next one will be on March 21st. I have stocked up on Bic razors and this time I shall be fully prepared.
4. WOLF HOWARD
Wolf will be appearing with Billy Childish & Musicians Of The British Empire at The Dirty Water Club tonight. He plays drums, paints pictures and occasionally does stand up comedy.
5. WOLVES IN CROYDON
Wolves, once widespread throughout Europe and existing in Britain in numbers as high as 6,500 on the mainland saw a decline as human populations increased. Not so. If you look around tomorrow in the dense woods of the Selhurst Park region, you just might catch a glimpse of the rarely sighted canis mccarthus lupus. This unusual breed, which is a cross between a Birmingham city fox and a Yorkshire terrier, will be scavenging for food aswell as points.
6. BLAZE BAYLEY HAS SUCCESSFUL OPERATION ON HIS MANE
It's a shame that the ex-Wolfsbane singer has been reduced to working in the advertising industry. Pull your socks up, Bayley...what's the matter with you? Is a comb over not good enough?
