Gigging With The Enemy

Citizens in the state of South East London celebrated last night as HRH King Jordan I declared 11th October a public holiday to be known as National Neil Warlock Day.

The sovereign playboy who has amassed a vast personal fortune from his hairdressing and tanning salons, was delighted to announce and unveil the arrival of the new magician whom he hopes will break the spell of misfortune that is currently lingering around his Palace.

Warlock in London

At a packed press banquet in Camelot he went on to say "I felt desperate measures were needed after the succession of the many court jesters that have taken residency here in the past. It was basically down to two choices; hiring someone who claimed to have supernatural powers or getting another clown in such as Ian Holloway. Obviously, the former took precedent. I'd also like to declare that magician's apprentice and successor-in-training Mick Jones will be part of the backroom team, who will assist Neil with the stirring of the cauldron".

Warlock's bitch: studying for Complete Control

Former comedian by royal appointment Iain Dowie was reported to be in hiding somewhere in the Midlands yesterday as King Jordan issued another warrant for his arrest. It has been reported in the Magna Carta that Dowie is wanted for questioning over charges of treason and conspiracy to steal a magic vanity potion. Loyal subjects of SE25 have failed to acknowledge his existence ever since.

Dowie: sent to Coventry

Part of yesterday's celebratory events included a Yorkshire dialect competition held in Brighton, in which members of the public were assessed on their ability to sound Northern. Judging the contest were John and Damien O'Neill from www.whippetnation.com, who remarked; "Overall, the standard of Sheffield accents being spoken was quite high, with the exception of the two jokers in the front row who were shouting at each other. They sounded like a couple of retards from Belfast. We don't know why they were talking like that. Perhaps they got confused between The Orange Order and King Jordan's skin tone".

His Royal Highness and his new wizard will shortly be embarking on a small tour of Blackpool soon after this week's international war with the Baltic-Ruski lands. King Jordan is sponsored by Fanta.