Many people (well, RoMo) have been wondering what has happened to the Jif Dump Alliance, as his noted absence from the blogging community has started worrying some of the other participants in the blogosphere.Unfortunately, sad news has just reached me that Jif (pictured, right) has been arrested for laptop vandalism whilst under the influence of six bottles of port (post consumption). Jif is currently awaiting trial at HMP Wandsworth where he is being instructed to "pick up the soap" on an hourly basis.
DCI Stuart Martin made the following statement on behalf of the Metropolitan Police: "At around 2.30 am this morning, myself and a group of officers from the A.L.C.S (Anti Laptop Cruelty Squad) did force entry into an apartment in Epsom, whereby the protagonist was seen to be kicking the shit out of a poor defenceless IBM computing device. The person in question was promptly arrested and taken into police custody. On further questioning, the accused showed no signs of remorse and confessed that even if he were to be sober, he still would've "smashed fuck out of it".
Jif's solicitor Mr Abel Bloomberg of law firm Bloomberg, Bumpkin and Howes, made the following statement: "My partners and I are working very closely with our client. We are looking into appealing against what could prove to be the most severe type of sentence that could be passed in a case such as this - 25 hours of community service and a lifetime's ban on owning any type of electrical equipment."
Jif's showbiz agent Harry Shark said: "They (the establishment) are only using a succesful, albeit slightly jaded, vintage pop star like Jif by making an example of him. There are countless people up and down the land that are taking sledgehammers to their machines in revolt of Bill Gates' system. But will they arrest the ordinary folk on the street? No - but by jailing a famous musician they're hoping to send a message to other PC destroyers that no one is above the law. It stinks and I fancy a pint - would anyone like to join me?".
Jif, 79, is currently receiving treatment for internet withdrawal symptoms in Wandsworth nick. Visiting times are subject to change due to lack of interest.
7 comments:
Downer man. There's a lot of bad acid around. Stay cool.
Whoh! Heaveeee!
Errr...what do you mean "many people (well Romo)"? You are one cheeky little cheekmonster Ister. I am currently on tour with Motorhead and can not enter into any correspondence. Next stop New Orleans Bowl. Oh yeah! Keep rocking in the free world. Yes I am drunk and I don't care.
We should listen to what the flower people say, ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooooooooooh... etc.
If I do enough drugzzz I can get on the net without the aid of a computer, mannnn.
String 'im up. It's the only language these laptop louts understand.
DH - Bad acid is something that Jif'll have to tolerate from the cosiness of his cell.
RoMo - I never meant you were fat! But you know, if by chance you are, at least you'll get 'ample' chance burning it off prancing around those enormo-domes that you and Motorhead are playing at around the States.
Howesy - Isn't it your bathtime? I've applied Radox to your lukewarm water.
Llewtrah - But you'll have to get on the net to buy the drugs in the first place.
Gates - You are the antichrist. Stac told me.
No - I am not fat and I didn't think you were implying I was - I thought you were being more cheeky implying that I was the only one that was bothered about Jifdump's demise of blogness - and that you called him a stalker! ha ha.
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