New Improved Version! The wit and the wisdom (also known as "Ollie-isms") of Bristol's famous footballing son (courtesy of the inter-web).*
"It's like the film Men in Black. I walk around in a black suit, white shirt and black tie where I've had to flash my white light every now and again to erase some memories, but I feel we've got hold of the galaxy now. It's in our hands."- Holloway on QPR's financial situation.
"It was lucky that the linesman wasn't stood in front of me as I would have poked him with a stick to make sure he was awake."- Holloway states his opinion about the linesman's performance in a game against Bristol City.
"I call us the Orange club - because our future's bright!"- on QPR's potential.
"He's been out for a year and Richard Langley is still six months away from being Richard Langley, and I could do with a fully fit Richard Langley."- on midfielder Richard Langley's injury rehabilitation.
"It's all very well having a great pianist playing but it's no good if you haven't got anyone to get the piano on the stage in the first place, otherwise the pianist would be standing there with no bloody piano to play."- after being criticised for using defensive players in midfield.
"I am a football manager. I can't see into the future. Last year I thought I was going to Cornwall on my holidays but I ended up going to Lyme Regis."- asked whether QPR would be able to beat Manchester City.
"To put it in gentleman's terms if you've been out for a night and you're looking for a young lady and you pull one, some weeks they're good looking and some weeks they're not the best. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi. She weren't the best looking lady we ended up taking home but she was very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much, let's have a coffee"- on the "ugly" win against Chesterfield.
"You can say that strikers are very much like postmen: they have to get in and out as quick as they can before the dog starts to have a go."
"I always say that scoring goals is like driving a car. When the striker is going for goal, he's pushing down that accelerator, so the rest of the team has to come down off that clutch. If the clutch and the accelerator are down at the same time, then you are going to have an accident."
"I've got to knock that horrible smell out of my boys, because they smell of complacency."
"Every dog has its day, and today is woof day! Today I just want to bark!"- Holloway after securing promotion to the Championship.
"When my wife first saw Marc for the first time, she said he was a fine specimen of a man. She says I have nothing to worry about, but I think she wants me to buy her a QPR shirt with his name on the back for Christmas."- on QPR's new Danish striker Marc Nygaard.
"Paul Furlong is my vintage Rolls Royce and he cost me nothing. We polish him, look after him, and I have him fine tuned by my mechanics. We take good care of him because we have to drive him every day, not just save him for weddings."- on veteran striker Paul Furlong.
"We need a big, ugly defender. If we had one of them we'd have dealt with County's first goal by taking out the ball, the player and the first three rows of seats in the stands."- after a defeat against Notts County.
"You never count your chickens before they hatch. I used to keep parakeets and I never counted every egg thinking I would get all eight birds. You just hoped they came out of the nest box looking all right. I'm like a swan at the moment. I look fine on top of the water but under the water my little legs are going mad."
"There was a spell in the second half when I took my heart off my sleeve and put it in my mouth."
"I don't see the problem with footballers taking their shirts off after scoring a goal? They enjoy it and the young ladies enjoy it too. I suppose thats one of the main reasons women come to football games, to see the young men take their shirts off. Of course they'd have to go and watch another game because my lads are as ugly as sin."- Ian Holloway about the new rule restricting footballers from removing their shirts during a match.
"Sometimes when you aim for the stars, you hit the moon.""Right now, everything is going wrong for me - if I fell in a barrel of boobs, I'd come out sucking my thumb!”
"To the people who booed - boo to you!”
"When my mum was running our house, when I was a kid, all the money was put into tins. She knew what was in every tin and I know how much I've got in my tin - that's the way we'll run this club.”
"I reckon the ball was travelling at 400mph, and I bet it burned the keeper's eyebrows off.”
On the reporter who claimed QPR defender Danny Shittu would be sold: "Whoever that was, I'd like to pull his pants down and slap him on the a*** like I used to do to my kids. Apparently I'm not even allowed to do that any more otherwise I'll have the health and safety on to me giving it the old 'hello'".
"The world's gone mad. Tony Blair won the election, so why's he gotta resign? I think the Conservative fella should. If he couldn't win an election with a failing government, or a flailing government, what's the matter with him? Get out you ain't no good. I know we're not talking football...we are, aren't we?"
On being linked with the Millwall job: "Do you believe everything you read in the Sun? They've got some nice tits in that paper"
On the effect Sky TV camera's would have on our players: "Well a few of them have had their hair done".
On the good fortune the club has enjoyed of late: "It's as if we've picked up the Titanic from the bottom of the ocean, turned it round and pointed it in the right direction".
On staying at Loftus Road: "This is our cave, and I like living in it."
On axing players from the squad: "When the water stands still in the pond, it starts to stink."
On helping Doudou's home sickness: "What we've all got to do is pick him up, slap him around and make him feel welcome."
"I had finished all the anger management lessons but I might get on the phone and book a few more!"QPR manager Ian Holloway after getting sent off against Tranmere.
"I'm the only person getting angry at the anger management guy!"QPR boss Ian Holloway on his anger management classes.
On QPR’s days in the Premiership: “If the club was a chocolate bar, it would have licked itself”
On QPR generally: "This is the peoples club and everybody can have a piece of that pie - a pie that's already smelling beautifully"
On finally coming out of administration: "As a club, we are out of hospital now and we are looking forward to the convalescence and being fighting fit for the future"
On players being sold while the club was in administration: "When we seemed to be dying, we were a carcass and the vultures came and fed off our bones"
After the play off final defeat: "Its one of my proudest days in football, but I've caught the bouquet again, I'm always the bridesmaid"
After the Barnsley win: "My day didn't start very well... the Holloway household was very sad this morning, we had to have our dog put down unfortunately but that's life. I've just said to the lads, you're born and you die on a date, you've got to work on the dash in the middle"
On the denied penalty at Grimsby: "Everyone was laughing because if that was not a penalty then what was? I think my wife even saw that and she's down in St Albans listening to the radio!"
On the linesman not giving the foul for City's first goal: “As far as I’m concerned - I’m from Bristol and so is that lad - and he got it wrong.”
On the abuse Gino Padula gets from away fans: "Everyone calls him a gypsy but I can assure you he doesn't live in a caravan. He has a house with foundations"
On Loftus Road's negative fans: "Most of our fans get behind us and are fantastic but those who don't should shut the hell up or they can come round to my house and I will fight them"
When asked if Thorpe's chance at Bristol City had gone in...."If is a big word, if I had long hair I could be a rock star"
On the promotion run in: "The fat lady might be picking the mic up but I can't hear her signing yet"
On big man Georges Santos: "He's a big lad, he can clean out your guttering without standing on a ladder"
When asked how much he earned as a player, compared to Rooney: "Not enough to go to brothels"
On QPR's bad start to the season: "In football, there is no definite lifespan or time span for a manager. After a while you start smelling of fish. The other week it looked like I was stinking of Halibut!"
On coming back from two down to beat Leicester 3-2: "I was up and down like Zebedee from the Magic Roundabout"
On easing Danny Shittu back from injury: "The games are coming thick and fast for him. I've told him to go down to Iceland and ask if he can sit in one of their freezers."
On dreams of the club reaching the top of the Premiership: "Yeh and I'm six foot four with the biggest willy in the world"
On the cancelled scouting trip to Brazil: "That's been put on ice. I've lost my passport too. If anyone's seen it I'd like it back, it's not Golem in there, I look minging"
On the push for the play offs: "I have told my players they need to have the constitution of a police horse"
On the current squads looks: "My lot are the ugliest team ever to have worn the blue and white hoops - we certainly don't sell many calendars! In my playing days we had some right good looking bastards. But this lot are the worst I have ever seen! They all look like dogs"
On Jose Mourinho: "Look at the prickly little fella down the road at Chelsea. He wants to win everything and we can learn from that. If there were two flies crawling up the wall he'd be desperate to back the winner"
On letting Pete Doherty train with the R’s: "Anybody who is a QPR fan is welcome at Loftus Road. I'd be happy for him to turn up for a kickabout, just so long as he brings that Kate Moss with him - she's absolutely lovely.”
On being thwarted in the transfer market: "I've tried to bring in players on loan but I just get custard pies in my face. I'm sick of the taste of custard."
After beating Cardiff 1-0 at Loftus Road: "I couldn't be more chuffed if I were a badger at the start of the mating season."
On finding that Plymouth had to exit the training ground after being double booked with Real Madrid: "We were the ones that had to leave, and I'm not happy about that. We're Argyle, get out of our way!"
"If I had a time machine so that I could use it to right a few wrongs in the past, I would use it. Time machines are great, aren't they?"
*
NEXT WEEK: The quotes of Gordon Strachan (only joking, folks!)
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