THE MAY DIARIES.

The following journal entries were taken from the original myspace.com/istvanski blog from the month of May in 2006.

TUESDAY 9TH MAY 2006:

That sun's a bit bright...

Current mood: anxious

That sun is bright, 'cos I've just crawled from under a rock to find this myspace.com thing. Well, I've known about it for sometime now, but I've always had that "never bothered with it before so why should I now" attitude. However, here goes nothing... I thought it may be easier to hand in an entry for this blog rather than fill out all my personal details on here. Leave me sounding mysterious or something. It ain't gonna be often that I'll be on here, so updates will remain consistently inconsistent. Just like the CPFC. Talking of Crystal Palace Footie Club, tonight is their make or break attempt at scrambling to the play off finals. We are allready 3 - 0 down to Watford after losing to them at home last Saturday. Andy Johnson has been picked for a standby place for Germany (provisionally speaking, of course) and hopefully his confidence will augment to an extent that we will come through this tough challenge and meet with Leeds in the final at Cardiff. Is that the time? My class 450 carraige awaits. Toodle-pip for now.

THURSDAY 11TH MAY 2006:

Ungodly Melee at Vicarage Road.

Current mood: contemplative

The title in the subject says it all. Fitz goes to retrieve the ball for a throw-in and Boothroyd tries to nudge it away from him. Fitz tries to elbow him out of the way. Aidy squares up to Fitz (he wouldn't have done that in a pub car park, so why here?!?). It's all a bit of bravado and nerves on Aidy's part as everyone seems to bundle in. Fitz gets a yellow and Aidy gets a seat in the stands. But it doesn't help Palace's slim chances as a tight Watford defence and a poor long ball play from the visitors secures the Hornets' place at Cardiff. C'est la vie. Dowie off to Boro? A big thank you and goodbye to A.J...we'll miss you loads. Stac is in limbo. Further revelations from him reveal hell. Or even a future hell for someone who should know better. It's a wonder why people still bother to cast a vote these days. I'll be scuttering off to Jules' studio to add a few refinements (and possibly sprinkle a little sugar) to Stac's song after work. I'm knackered, and I hope it will not diffuse my concentration on doing justice to the track. Now there's a word..."JUSTICE". Very few people seem to be on the receiving end of it nowadays. Wether you get it as a reward, or wether you get it as a deserved punishment. Just look at what may or may not become of Prescot, Blair and Boothroyd. Why do some talentless people end up trumps, while talent ends up in the dumps? Why is it the way it is? I might have a theory. Nothing to do with the Davinci code (or the Davina McCall code). I reckon Satan actually exists. Stac once made a remark that Bill Gates was the anti-christ. It's looking promising so far on that one...we'll just have to use the devils' tools against his own. C'mon West Ham...you can do it.

SUNDAY 14TH MAY 2006:

Disaster At Cardiff!

Current mood: apathetic

Let's get the negative issues done with. The Hammers nearly won it at The Millenium Stadium this afternoon, and indeed they would have, had it not been for a certain Steven Gerrard. It has to be said, that this must've been one of the most entertaining F.A. Cup finals for quite a while. It had everything. Drama. Anxiousness. Anticipation. Injuries and Goals! I was rooting for West Ham as there is a personal link between me and the club, although it's a very loose link. My girlfriend is from that neck of the woods, also a former teacher who used to instruct me in English when I was a snotty teenager is a life-long Hammers fan and even wrote a book entitled "Our Days Are Few" (by Martin Godleman). And let's not forget that Alan Pardew learnt his trade playing for my beloved Crystal Palace FC (does that mean Iain Dowie and Jobi MacInuff learnt their trade playing for West Ham?). My dentists surgery is on Plashet Grove (just around the corner from Green Street), but it's not something that I hold against WHUFC. WEDNESDAY 17TH MAY 2006 (part one):

Access to the Sounds.

Current mood: sleepy

Just woken up, ready (or not) to put the effort into going to work. How I'm rrreeeaaallllyyyyyy looking forward to it! Big yawn... I'm still baffled as to how to post your own music up on here. It's not as simple as putting a picture of yourself up, so will someone kindly inform me of this process? In the meantime, visit SpadCity and click on downloads. This website is due an update, but has been suffering from lack of attention and maintainance for quite sometime, due to refurbishments at Istvanski towers. This means that the link can be a bit hit and miss as to wether it will take you to the destination. Being that it is a Yahoo based site (and a free one at that) reliability can be sketchy. Good luck!

Comments: Posted by JULIAN on Tuesday, May 16, 2006 at 7:53 PM:

"I KNOW ALL ABOUT REFURBISHMENTS AT ISTVANSKI TOWERS MATE! YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME."

Posted by ISTVANSKI on Wednesday, May 17, 2006 at 10:54 PM:

"Ah yes, indeed you do Mr Jug Dump! I've lined up a nice bottle o' Jack for your own personal enjoyment for all the hard work and effort that you invested into helping to make my place look less of a shit-hole. Gawd bless ya!"

WEDNESDAY 17TH MAY 2006 (part two):

Bring back the linesman / Lehmann.

Current mood: enthralled

So this is what happened today... Had an early-ish start to work today. Got in early prior to my actual booking on time to find that McCrushken and "ver lads" were all cooking fry ups for brekkie, so being the greedy guts that I can be when I smell a juicy rasher of bacon, I gladly accepted the offer to "get yerself a plate and partake" of this communal grub-fest gathering of the workers. It helped me start contented for a day of sitting in the classroom. It's what they call a "Safety / Company day", for managers to become messengers and us to kick the ball back in their faces. They ask us for feedback? Sure, we'll give it to 'em...but only if we're bothered. "Kuddly Ken" made a good point in saying that we were all "drones" (I think that was the word he used), basically saying that we just operate to how the firm wants us to work or they take away our livelihoods. It's a fair point, despite the unions' ongoing battle of wits between them and management. Stac texted me. "Cheers for the software, but I can't get it to work", he said. "Try reading some of the text documents attached to the software", I furtively replied. He must've done, as I've not heard from him since, although in his same message he was asking after Jools. Well, a brief translation of which would be "When are we going to mix the song?". It's a question he's seemed to ask nearly everyday for the past week. I told him that Jools needs some guitar strings, so not yet. Don't call us, we'll call you. Or maybe not. I tried to connect the Freeview digibox to the laptop (via the USB connection) to try and record a program (footie, more of that in a mo...), and dismally failed. The point is, that this digibox once connected to a PC that allready has the appropriate software loaded, becomes a hard disk digital video recorder. Bollocks, it's shit and totally unreliable. DO NOT BY ANY HAUPPAGE PRODUCTS. They may try and fob you off with software updates to fix any bugs, but they shouldn't release a product in this piss-poor state to begin with. As a Freeview box on it's own, it's fair but expensive. I wish I splashed out a bit more for a Topfield. I'd love to have that new Sony XL100 (think I may have that model number right), which is basically a media centre PC for the living room. Stylish, powerful and hopefully, reliable. And so on to The Champions League Final. Arse v Barc. You know what I mean. Prior to the game, they managed to replace one of the linesmen, who was seen in a photograph to be wearing a Barca shirt. They replaced him, fearing that he would make unfavourable decisions towards Arsenal. They needn't have bothered, that's what the referee was there for! I can hear loads of Spurs & Hammers fans in the distance saying "Yer 'aving a larf - Lehmann fucked it up for them, they deserve it!" Give 'em a break, it would've been more of an exciting match, if Lehmann was not sent off and the goal in question (which was scored soon after the foot-grabbing incident) had been allowed. Arsenal were the team that was more determined, passionate and resolute. I do believe that it would've been a different end game outcome if they had 11 men all through the game. Oh, by the by...Stu from Woolwich, I've got a Barca shirt. Bought it from e-bay for £8. What a bargain, would you like me to get one for you? All the Gooners are now wondering about Henry's future, just like us Palace fans are wondering about Andy Johnson's. I found out this morning via Sky Sports news that Johnson was subject to a bid by Bolton Wanderers for £7 million. Nothing on the official websites of CPFC and BWFC of this transfer. Did my ears deceive me? I thought that AJ wanted a move to Arsenal. There's a bit of natter about this on the Holmesdale forum, but no official announcements from either club. What we do get from CPFC, is that Aki Riihilahti, Wayne Andrews and Glen Wilson are out. Mikele Leigertwood is staying and Lewis Grabban, Lewwis Spence, Phil Starkey and Aaron Fray are the Palace Academy players who have been offered their first proffesional contracts. I remember seeing Aaron Fray play against Coventry in this seasons Carling Cup. He was like smoked lightning when he moved about on the pitch. I reckon he'll be an asset. Meanwhile, Tony Popovic's contract is due to run out soon, so what will become of him? There has even been a rumour going around that Dowie has quit! It's now't but bedlam....now, where did I leave my Barca shirt?

SATURDAY 20TH MAY 2006:

The Price of Progress (Part One).

Current mood: Inpatient.

Henry's staying at Arsenal, which should soften the blow for all the Gooners. Boothroyd ensures that he will be calm at Cardiff. I hope he does his nut if Leeds (hopefully) win. The search goes on for a video hard disk recorder to replace the unreliable VHS machine that is currently residing under my telly. Favourites in the line up include Sony's XL100, one of the KiSS machines and the top of the range Topfield PVR5800. The Sony only has 1 digital tuner, which is not great should I want to record more than 1 programme at the same time. But it is a media PC which should ensure playback of most formats. However, it works on Windows, which is not 100% reliable. The KiSS machine (DP608) also has just the 1 tuner and so far, is limited to playback of a handful of formats, although they are ensuring future updates via firmware. But it has a cunning feature which enables you to remotely programme a recording via the web or through a WAP browser from your mobile phone. Great for a shift worker like myself who often forgets to read the programme listings in advance. The Topfield has 2 tuners and a caddy for premium subscription cards. It also has a USB socket enabling connection to a PC for file transfer of video, allowing archival to DVD. However, I have heard that this process of transfering files from "Toppy" to PC is quite slow. Most machines that are currently on the market seem to do either one or the other, the Sony comes close to what I'm after, providing I can upgrade by adding another digital tuner. Some have a HDMI output, which will be handy for future telly upgrades. New boxes from SKY HD and Telewest have more than one tuner and can record in High Definition. However, both of these machines require a monthly subscription package. That means it's out of the question for me, as I find these services a rip-off. It's a stand that I will continue to stand up for until a better system is introduced. Remember that Tyson vs Bruno fight? To watch this boxing match within the privacy of your own home ended up being a financial farce! Firstly, you had to pay for the basic package. Then, you had to subscribe to Sky Sports. And then they had the cheek to charge an extra £10 on top! Is this astute marketing or Murdoch being a greedy fucker? As long as the British public are willing to pay, Murdoch is willing to charge.

MONDAY 22ND MAY 2006:

"Let Me Take You Down, 'Cos I'm Going To...Imperial Fields!"

Current mood: chipper

This is to be my first day off from work for 5 solid days in a row. Yesss!!! So I woke up without much of a rush and went out to get the papers. Just before jumping into the car, I noticed I had a near to flat tyre. I was convinced that it was time to get a decent set of wheels for my jalopy, as the ones that I have, have buckled and rusted rims, allowing air to escape from within the tubeless tyres. I know it was down to this particular problem and not down to a slow puncture, as this has been happening to nearly all the wheels on the car and not just one. I later found out that Charmaine's dad has a set of 4 nearly new wheels in his garage going spare. Top Man! After making the trip to Sainsbury's (not only for the groceries and papers, but to pump the tyre up), I ventured off to Imperial Fields. This happens to be the home ground of Tooting & Mitcham United F.C. This is my "second team", although I've yet to see them in action. This season, they have lost out at promotion by being knocked out in the play-offs. They have finished 6th in the league table. Also, the manager Richard Cadette, has left the club. The comparisons between them and Crystal Palace F.C. (my "first team") this season are uncanny. Both teams were thought to be, at one time or another, great contenders for going up, but they ended up with the same end of season result. Tomorow (Monday) at 4pm, there will be a press conference at Selhurst Park to reveal Iain Dowie's future. It is expected that he will leave the club. Where he will end up, nobody but God and Dowie knows. Reports in the press are speculative. Oh, and in other championship news, Watford are saying thanks for next seasons parachute payment. The real reason I went along to Imperial Fields was for a charity match between Chelsea Old Boys and Arsenal Old Boys. This was in aid of the National Childrens Deaf Society. Among the two teams were various ex-players from both these teams of yester-year, including Peter Bonetti, Steve Kember, Ray Wilkins, Jason Cundy, Tommy Walsh (from TV's Ground Force), Joe Swash and Phil Daniels (fom TV's Eastenders) and a few more assorted others. It was interesting to see Kerry Dixon making an appearance in the first half. The first time I ever went to a proper big footie game was at Stamford Bridge in the late 80's. Kerry was a bit of a Blue's hero at the time. He's put on a little weight and lost a little hair since then, but he looks happy. In fact, the whole she-bang was a great light hearted family affair and the constant rain did not seem to dampen anyone's spirits. The good natured banter from the "Chelsea supporter's end" was humour at it's terraced best. The result, well, who really cares for this kind of event. But Chelsea won it by 4 goals to 2. After reading Jules' recent blog about Rupert "Howlin' Mad" Murdoch acquiring myspace.com, I feel the search for somewhere else to hold and publish my blogs. The only warm hearted memory I have of Murdoch is an old Spitting Image sketch of him in his office plotting world domination. His cronies were portrayed as rats who were toasting slices of bread on Murdoch's farts. Pure genius.

Comments: Posted by JULIAN on Monday, May 22, 2006 at 1:11 AM:

"na don't do that, It'll fuck our line of communication!"

Posted by ISTVANSKI on Monday, May 22, 2006 at 2:46 AM:

"You can always transfer yerself aswell!Copy and paste all the backlogged blogs onto the new site! Haha."

TUESDAY 23RD MAY 2006:

Bye-bye Iain and good luck to ya

Current mood: Unsurprised.

It's just been officially announced that Iain Dowie has vacated his managers job at Selhurst Park "by mutual consent" after two and a half seasons at the helm. A few sources say there have been a few conflicts between him and Palace chairman Simon Jordan, who gives the reason for Dowie's leaving the club as a geographical one. There has been no official news as to where Dowie will be heading to, though it has been assumed that Preston or Middlesborough are the favoured destinations as Dowie's family are currently residing up north. Dowie's reason to leave the club was explained in that he wanted a new challenge. Clearly a case of Chairman and Manager singing from different hymn books. A rumoured link with Charlton Athletic has also been doing the rounds. It should also be worth noting that Andrew Johnson was absent from this afternoon's England world cup squad training session at Watford. Simon Jordan has turned down an £8 million offer made by Bolton Wanderers for Johnson. Apparently (according to Jordan), he is worth £20 million! Whilst Dowie was in charge at Palace, he played 123 games, winning 50, drawing 29 and losing 44. Good luck to ya, mate... The Price of Progress (Part Two)

Current mood: annoyed

Format Wars. Donchya just love 'em? This is a discussion I've had with various people over the years and it will probably carry on. Back in the day, when it came to media in the home, you only had a few simple choices to make. If you wanted a T.V, you chose between colour or monochrome. If you wanted a sound system, it was mono, stereo or possibly quadraphonic. Vinyl or cassette, reel to reel or 8 track cartridge. If you wanted a VCR, it was Betamax or VHS ( whaddya mean "Phillips 2000"? Get outa here!). It's much more confusing nowadays. It's all going digital as well as a few die hard users clinging onto Analogue technologies. Within the digital storage media world alone, you have discs, memory cards, hard disks and digital tape. And within all of these media, you have individual sub-catagories of differing types. Take digital tape for example. You have digital compact cassette and Digital Audio Tape. Admittedly, both of these formats seem to be a dying breed, as access to key points within a tape based system takes time to access. But also in use are ADAT and DTRS digital tape based systems used to advantage in sound recording studios. Let's look at reflective storage optical discs. We've got (and had) Laser Discs, CD-i, audio CD, CDR/RW, CD-ROM, stereo sound minidiscs, High 1GB capacity minidiscs, Data minidiscs, optical Yamaha discs to name but a few... Did I forget DVD? Also available in their +/-R/RW AND INCLUDING +/-R Dual / Double layer derivatives. Oh yes, let's not forget DVD RAM! Exposed or caddied-up. 4.7GB or 9.4GB! I'm not even going to start going on about memory cards. It pisses me off in a way. One company tends to align itself with a certain technology. If you favour Sony products, then you're better off with it's neat looking but expensive memory stick (which, of course, has various types of it's own sort, e.g: plain, duo, pro, etc). If you're loyal to Panasonic, then you'd be better off with S.D. type memory cards (with, and including their different versions of SD, miniSD and microSD). I can't wait for Blu-ray vs HD-DVD! The recent arrival of the Sony PSP meant the introduction of yet another storage media - the UMD (Universal Media Disc). For fuck's sake, this marketing gimmickery is getting so tiresome! What I'd like to see, in an ideal world, is something like an optical disc in a caddy (Blu-ray seems to be heading in this direction), that will hold 1 terrabyte of data and these blanks will be on sale at £1.99 each (as a current television advert says: "Anyone will buy anything for £1.99")! Even better would be a physically durable and small sized but large capacity solid state memory card (and thus eliminating the need for wearable moving parts), holding just as much and costing just as less, and standardised so that it could be used in a variety of media and data uses. It's not only digital storage media that has it's battles of popularity with differing formats. Let's look at digital imaging. J-PEG, BMP, TIF, GIF, etc. When it comes to digtal sound, we have WAV, MP3 (and it's differing qualities), OGG VORBIS, etc. How about digital video? We have VCD & SVCD, MPEG 1, 2, 3 and 4, Div X, Div X HD, X VID, Nero Digital, blah, blah, blah... I understand what we can learn from having different formats, the pro's and con's of each. But what we don't need as consumers, are formats that are introduced as a marketing gimmick. It makes me want to go away and learn Esperanto.

THURSDAY 25TH MAY2006:

What's been happening?

2 Days Ago: The missus and I went over to Hammer-land to meet up with her dad, brother and sister in law for a relaxed meal at a south Indian cafe that has recently been refurbished. In different shades of blue. Which is fine, if you like blue. I was there for the grub, not the colour. I ended up eating a plain old mutton curry and rice. I've had better south Indian cuisine (once a month I frequent a fantastic restaurant in South Wimbledon that does a great Squid Curry and Lemon Rice, Mutton roll and a soft drink, Mmmmm, all for the princely sum of around £6.50!), but this was more as a treat for dad. He seemed to enjoy it. Thanks to Lionel for bailing me out when the bill came and I found out that I didn't have enough funds to pay. The Missus had taken a tenner for petrol earlier on. Yesterday: I took Zappa (pictured, left) to the vets. He was due a vaccination. So, again I went to Hammer-land to the Celia Hammond set up on the Barking Road to wait over an hour for an injection that took no longer than 15 seconds. That was it. After which, I went around to Cliffy's to pick up the wheels for the motor, bagged 2 of 'em out of the 4 and waited for Charmaine to finish college. All in all, a bit of a humdrum day doing the things that have got to be done. Today: As well as trying to sort out a new web-site for Dead End Productions, I'm trying to shy away from the mountain of washing up that is currently residing in the kitchen sink. I may have to avoid the issue by paying a visit to the newly refurbished Wallington library that is set to open today. I very rarely borrow books. More into DVD's that they have for rent. You know how it goes... CPFC news: Simon Jordan may have a bit of an uphill struggle trying to sell AJ for £20 million, as he seems to be the only one that thinks he is worth that much. BBC London radio announced that he has agreed to let AJ have contract talks with one of the clubs up north for £8.5 million, a bid by Wigan Athletic which seems to have been accepted. Even £12 million seemed a bit too much to ask. AJ should hopefully feature as striker for England B duty against Belarus, whilst other Palace players Gabor Kiraly and Sandor Torghelle will feature in the Hungarian squad against England for the freindly at Old Trafford on the 30th May. Wish I was going, as I've yet to attend an England match, and the one against Hungary would be ideal. I just don't fancy the trek up to Manchester. Will I be able to get a decent video recorder in time?

SUNDAY 28TH MAY 2006:

No Sleep 'till I Collapse.

Current mood: sleepy

Back in my reckless days, I used to pass out occasionally in some weird places. A Spanish open air market. A kebab shop. In the bogs at work. That's when I used to live on Coca-Cola, cream buns and spliff. Despite consuming many cream buns, I still managed to be as skinny as a rake. Now I eat a lot healthier, I'm totally ganja free (not by choice I might add), and my intake of caffiene has reduced, but yet I've put on more weight, particularly around the middle. MORAL: Live a wreckless life, look good. Live a clean one, look shit. These past few days have left me feeling close to passing out due to lack of kip. Early turn again. It's misery, specially towards the end of a week of early turns, when lack of sleep catches you up and that's when your bones start aching, your legs become tired and your vision becomes blurred. Today, I was just about nearing the end of my turn, when 'er indoors gives me a bell. "What time are you coming home?" "I should be home at around one this afternoon", I say. "Oh great, 'cos we're going round to Beckton to do my garden and have a BBQ with Jo, Lionel and Dad!", she says. "You're 'aving a larf!", I retort. "That's O.K, you don't have to work", she says, probably knowing full well that just sitting around with nowt to do will drive me nuts and I'll end up helping out in the garden anyway. Brilliant. On a day when it's been deemed a day of rest, not only do I have to go to work proper, but I'll be doing some extra unpaid overtime when I'd much rather be kicking back in front of the telly watching the Monaco Grand Prix and sipping a glass of red. Yesterday after work, I made the journey from Waterloo to Mornington Crescent to buy my new video recorder. I ended up settling on a Topfield. A freeview twin-tuner hard drive recorder - with a bastard of an instruction manual that defies all known knowledge of the common English language. It's not a bad machine in itself (I may have to undertake modernisations to the aerial in the roof, as reception is, at times, not that great), but the manual is totally abysmal! My guess is that it loses a lot in the translation from Korean, and also the person who did the translating is an out and out fuckwit! Looks like I shall be visiting the "Toppy" forum many times in the near future. At least I have something decent to record the England Vs Hungary game next Tuesday. Two Palace players will be there for sure (Gabor Kiraly and Sandor Torghelle - three if you count Andy Johnson, but only just, as now three clubs have put in similar transfer bids for him). This is the one match I dearly wish I would be attending in person, but alas, it's not meant to be. DOWIE WATCH: It has been reported in the "Screws of the World" that former Palace manager Iain Dowie will be expected to be introduced as the new manager for Charlton Athletic. Looks like that's one in the eye for Simon Jordan. JORDAN WATCH: The Palace chairman has been reported as saying that "...a few of the players at Palace wouldn't be too unhappy if they were to leave the club to follow Dowie into The Valley (great idea for a song title...), but these players are still under contract and he will have to pay me their true worth...". Jordan later managed to pick up his shocked and tired jaw from hitting the floor and staying there. A.J. WATCH: Still the subject of a close-run bidding battle between Everton, Wigan and Bolton. I know I usually get predictions wrong, but I reckon he might go with the Wanderers. Enough babble, I'm off to bed.

MONDAY 29TH MAY 2006:

A "Top" Improvement over V.H.S.

Current mood: content

Yeah, yeah...what do I know?

So I thought A.J. was off to Bolton. Turns out he's gone to work for the Toffee's. Possibly a shrewd move as they are also hoping to get Robert Huth. Out of the three teams that have made offers for him that were accepted, Everton are likely to be the best platform for him to showcase his talents. As for me, I'm not going to predict anything else...I'd be the worst Gypsy Rose Lee on a seaside pier. Looks like it'll soon be all systems re-start on Stac's song soon, according to Jules. I shall have three weeks off starting this Friday from S.W.T. The pain re-commences here... What else will be happening this Friday? Jules should know unless he's forgotten. Let me give you a clue. "Let's mind the harbour!" No, not a dodgy Satanic Nurses demo recording. Zappa plays Zappa, at the Albert Hall, featuring, Ahmet & Dweezil, Steve Vai, Napoleon Murphy Brock and perhaps a few others. This gig was postponed from 2nd November and hopefully, the 6 months wait will be worth it. The Topfield PVR seems to be a rather admirable machine (bad instruction manual aside), and it's quite easy to set the recorder. No fucking about with videoplus or any of that crap. Instead, what you've got is a Sky + way of doing things. Turn on the electronic program guide, highlight the particular program, and simply press the record button. There are, however, still a few issues of bad reception, which may be down to a dodgy aerial / connection / UHF wall box. Until that is resolved, it is far from perfect. I wanted to browse the Topfield forum for ideas, but have found that I have run out of time, as I have to get up in 4 hours time for another punishing round on the railways. So, for now - and as Patrick McGoohan used to say... "Be seeing you."

TUESDAY 30TH MAY 2006:

It's All Soapy Water Under The Bridge.

Current mood: anxious

I usually don't have much time for television soap operas...and why should I? Real life (wether it's ours or someone elses) can be just as interesting, dull and / or entertaining than what's shoved onto our idiot boxes. Take, for example, our irregular look at... DOWIE WATCH: Former Palace manager has been served a writ from Palace chairman Simon Jordan for allegedly telling porkies over his reasons for leaving the club to join Charlton Athletic FC. I knew this was going to make Jordan blow a fuse, but why doesn't he just let it rest? They may have had a few barneys and they may not have seen eye to eye some of the time over the past few seasons, but what would issuing a writ achieve? Nowt, apart from a small sum of a million quid, perhaps... It's great that we have a chairman who is a Palace fan, but behaving like this will probably make him even more enemies. Jordan should leave this stuff behind, get himself a new manager to take us into the top flight and finish above Charlton in the table by the end of next season. That's what you call sweet revenge. Good to read how Gabor Kiraly is championing AJ for a place in the England team this summer. Somehow I have my doubts on wether Sven will pick AJ over Jermaine even if Owen were to be ruled out. Still, for the time being we have tonight's game to look forward to. I have "split loyalties" as to which team I should champion, due to my ethnicity and my support of Sarf London's finest. I reckon England will win - they have to, they need a confidence boost for their trip to Germany. Personally, I shall be cheering on Gabor, Sandor and (if he is in it by some miracle) AJ. If Hungary win, then that's OK. If England win, that would be even better as they're the ones who have qualified. I'll be hoping, above all else, for a thoroughly entertaining game whatever the outcome. Dowie, get yer cheque book out, the lawyers are waiting. Jordan, if you've got dosh burning a hole in yer pocket, just give it to me. Toppy, make sure your software is working and record this bastard game.

WEDNESDAY 31ST MAY 2006:

Hit Me With Your Legal Writ!

Current mood: mischievous

DOWIE WATCH: I've been inspired to compose the following satirical prose after observing recent farcical events in south east London, which may be sung along to Ian Dury's finest moment. Lighten up Palace Partisans, it's only a bit of fun!

"Hit Me With Your Legal Writ!" (By Iain Dowie & The Blockheads)

1. In the dug-outs, of Selhurst Park, In the boardroom, after dark, Who will stay? Who will go? Only Jordan, really knows...

CHORUS: Hit me with your legal writ! Hit me! Hit me! I'm off to Charlton Ath-le-tic, hit me, hit me, hit me! The Toffees won the AJ bid, While Jordan's suing for a million quid, Hit me, hit me, hit....me!

2. At The Valley, in front of press, An announcement, is steeped in stress, A bailiff shouts: "Is Iain about? 'cos Simon gives, his last caress!"

CHORUS: Hit me for a million quid! Hit me, hit me! Hit me for a million quid! Hit me, hit me, hit me! Sue me for a million quid, Jordan's gone and flipped his lid! Sue me, sue me, sue...me!

3. A war has started, in the south, By a chairman, with a mouth, The bounty prize, Is supersize, Murray's wiping, tears from his eyes!

CHORUS: Hit me with your legal writ, Hit me, hit me! He's suing me, that Eagles prick! Hit me, hit me, hit me! My integrity is on the block, Now that I'm a laughing stock! Hit me, hit me, hit...me! (Ad nauseum and fade).